Believing Isn’t Always Easy

Posted on December 3, 2025 by DHawthorne

When I was a teenager, I worked with a small domestic missions group. We evangelized in our community to children – by invitation and under supervision, since we weren’t much more than children ourselves. It was an interesting experience, and one of the things that stuck with me was a method they trained us to use to share the gospel. It was called the “Wordless Book.” The “Wordless Book” was nothing more than a series of five blank, colored pages. We would flip through the pages and explain a bit what each color represented. It was simple and concise, and even small children could understand the message. When we were done with the presentation, we would ask the children if they wanted to pray the “sinner’s prayer” with us. In its way, it was effective, and many children prayed with us. But to this day, over 45 years later, I have to wonder just how many of those so-called conversions were real.

Another commonly used method of evangelism is the altar call – where the gospel is presented, sometimes with a strong fire-and-brimstone component, and people are then asked to come forward to pray. It need not be with a sermon. It can be a puppet show, or a drama, or even a concert. But in the end it all boils down to a simplified hand-held guidance to repeat a prayer. It’s easy. And, I’ve concluded decades later, sometimes horribly misleading. A friend once told me his mother responded to an altar call and considered it as a transaction that she completed and didn’t have to concern herself with ever again. She checked off the box, prayed the prayer, and she was done. Her life didn’t change, her heart didn’t change, but as a result she was “innoculated” (her son’s word for it) against hearing the Gospel. If he tried to share his faith with her, she essentially told him, “no thanks, I’m good,” and would hear no more on the subject.

That’s not saving faith, and that’s not salvation. The God of the Bible does not respond to you as if your acts can twist His arm into doing something. In fact, He considers your “righteous” acts to be abhorrent. In Isaiah 64:6 it says the acts we consider righteous, God looks on like they were menstrual rags (in Hebrew, עִדָּה). If you bring your own works to Him as if they are worth something, He is going to reject them, and you, outright. And empty ritual is nothing more than self-righteous acts couched in religious terms.

One of the biggest issues people have with these ways of sharing the faith is what has become known as “easy believe-ism.” What that means is turning to Christ for salvation is reduced to a simple ritual with no depth to it, and no true faith behind it. It’s a “get out of jail free” card. It’s a cosmic vending machine; you put in your dollar, and you get a snack – but the “dollar” is a ritual prayer, and the “snack” is the salvation of your soul.

I would like to emphasize, however, that I do not think these methods of sharing the faith that I’ve mentioned are inherently wrong. Many, many people profess that they came to Christ through the Wordless Book, or the Four Spiritual Laws, or some manner of altar call. But what I am saying is that it cannot be taken for granted that they are always adequate, and if they are carried out in the wrong frame of mind, they can actually be damning.

The real problem, as I see it, is not “easy believe-ism,” but instead “easy evangelism.” The actual Gospel is easy. “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved” is what Paul and Silas shared with their jailer in Acts 16:31, and he and his entire household turned to Christ. The thief on the cross only said to Jesus, “remember me when you come into your kingdom,” and Christ responded, “this day you will be with me in Paradise” (Luke 23:39–43). It does not get much easier than that, nor simpler. Neither Paul nor Jesus put any constraints or obligations on it; they were not required to be baptized first, they were not required to “make Jesus their Lord” first. Though more than enough reason exists to believe those things came later in the case of the jailer and his family, there was no “after” for the thief on the cross. He was dead the same day. In other words, they weren’t a condition of salvation. But neither does either example prove that getting them to the point of saving faith was as easy as actually crossing over that point. Paul and Silas spent time with the jailer and his family explaining the gospel to them. The thief on the cross knew of Jesus, knew who he claimed to be, and knew what he had done in the course of His ministry. In both these stories, we see a very simple culmination of turning to Christ, but we do not see the details of what led up to it. We have, at best, an incomplete indication of what they were thinking or feeling at the time, and a nonexistent idea of what they already knew.

The actual acceptance of Christ is the easy part. What’s not easy is getting to the point where you can accept Him. And the other thing that’s not always easy is helping someone else get to that point.

There are a few important concepts that I believe are necessary to know to come to a saving faith:

  • You know you need to be saved.
  • You believe Christ can save you.
  • You trust He will save you.

You don’t need to have a full and complete understanding of those things to receive salvation, but you do have to at least be aware of them and what they mean. If you do not think you are in need of salvation, why turn to anyone for it? If you don’t think Jesus is the One who can save you, why turn to Him specifically? If you cannot trust that He will save you, how can you expect Him to do so?

Let’s expand on these concepts just a little.

The first is our need for salvation, and there are two aspects to this: the first is judicial, and the second pertains to damage and healing.

Judicially, the Bible makes it clear that any failure of obedience to God carries a death sentence, and that absolutely no one is obedient enough in their own right to be exempt. The passage in Isaiah 64:6 mentioned before speaks to this. Psalm 14:2-3 says, “The LORD looks down from heaven upon the children of men, To see if there are any who understand, who seek God. They have all turned aside, They have together become corrupt; There is none who does good, No, not one.” Romans 2:5-11 adds that it is only right that God judge everyone according to their deeds … and we already know what He thinks of our deeds. This type of judgment is exactly the kind of thing we would think of in a court of law. A judge might be sympathetic with a person who has broken the law, but their sworn responsibility is to levy the punishment that law requires. The difficulty with God’s law is the punishments are severe, and there is no latitude for leniency like a secular judge might have. Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death,” and James 1:15 says, “… sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” It’s not a fine for a speeding ticket we are discussing here, it’s eternal destruction. You might ask, “If God is both the maker of the laws and the judge, why can’t He just let it slide?” One part of the answer to that is He wants it gone. He cannot tolerate sin in any form. It’s a blight on everything He meant His creation to be.

But sin also causes actual damage, and it is hereditary. Romans 5:12 says, “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men …”, and goes on to say in Romans 5:19 that “… by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners.” Several Christian traditions call this “original sin.” It’s not that a newborn baby has already sinned from the womb, it’s that spiritually, they are corrupt from the very start. The implication is that something crucial was broken in mankind when Adam first sinned, and that brokenness has been passed on to every human being since. So not only do we have the burden of the Law against us, we also have a situation where we cannot escape it. We cannot escape the sin, we cannot escape the legal consequences … and it’s also very clear we caannot even escape the second hand consequences of living in a broken world.

In short, there are two meanings to what is called sin: acts of sin, and the inner corruption that leads to those acts. If you define sin as “wrongdoing,” there are the things people do that are wrong, and there is the natural inclination to do wrong. Thus the need for salvation; human beings are condemned from the very start and there is nothing we can do on our own to change it. We are trapped in a cycle of being so broken that we can only do things that break us more. And that brokenness leads to condemnation because God will not tolerate it.

Jesus took care of both of those problems, and that is how He can save you.

The legal aspect is addressed by what is referred to as propitiation. Propitiation is defined as appeasing someone or gaining their goodwill. Propitiation is when a husband buys his wife flowers after an argument and is forgiven. Propitiation is when a police officer writes you a speeding ticket, and you pay the fine rather than lose your driving privileges. In the Biblical use, it’s turning away God’s wrath. His wrath is a direct result of sinful behavior: God is angry that we do not live as He has prescribed (Romans 1:18). As a species we are arrogant; we not only hurt each other, we maim and kill each other; we reject God; we abuse not only ourselves but the rest of Creation. There is not a culture on Earth that will tell you everything is right and good in our world, and this is obvious to the most blatant unbeliever. And this makes God angry because it’s not how He meant the world to be. He’s angry with the situation, He’s angry with the ones who created the situation, and He’s angry with everyone who perpetuates it. But for His own reasons and purposes, He decided not to wipe the slate clean and start over. He provided a way to break the cycle. He doesn’t actually want to turn His anger towards His creation, He wants to fix it without destroying it (2 Peter 3:9).

When Christ died on the cross, he paid the legal penalty for sin. It’s very much like a father paying for his child’s traffic ticket. The law is satisfied, because the fine was paid, even though the person that committed the crimes didn’t actually pay the fine. The scope is immeasurably larger, but that’s the end result. The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23), but the sinner need not die because Jesus died instead. And God’s wrath is turned away from all of humanity because he turned it on Jesus. It works because Jesus Himself did not contribute to the burden of sin that the rest of us were born with, since He wasn’t born with it Himself, and it works because Jesus is God. No one else could possibly make such a payment for so many. Only God has the pockets deep enough to pay such an enormous fine, and He paid it with His own life.

This leaves the essential sinful nature, our tendency to do wrong. This too was answered by Christ’s death on the cross. 1 Peter 2:24 says, “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree [cross], that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” Paul, in Romans 6:1-12 writes of a profound dynamic that equates Christ’s death on the cross to our own death to our sinful selves, and a corresponding equivalence between Christ being raised from the dead with our own elevation to newness of life. Isaiah 53:3, in one of the clearest prophesies about Christ, says “…he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.” Looking again to the second part of Romans 5:19 it says, “… by one Man’s obedience many will be made righteous. ” Paul goes to considerable lengths to explain this in that whole passage from Romans 5:12-21 — sin has become part of the world because of Adam’s wrongdoing, but Christ has provided the way out. This negates the judicial verdict of “guilty” we all have carried from birth, and at the same time creates in us the ability to be able to be good as well as do good. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”

The last thing then to consider is will Christ save you?

This particular aspect of eternal salvation is probably the one that has been the most muddied over the ages. It’s fairly obvious that if Christ was willing to die for humanity, He wouldn’t have gone as far as to die if a lesser act would have accomplished it. But human nature being what it is, as a race we keep trying to earn it ourselves as if our own acts can do the same. We think rituals might buy favor with God. We think if we live a certain way, that will buy favor with God. We think if we give things up, or give them to others, that might buy favor with God. We think we can buy God’s favor with actual money, or gifts to the church or to a temple. None of that works, though many of those things are actually good to do. Remember the menstrual rags of Isaiah 64:6? The only thing that buys God’s favor is the work of Christ on the cross. So it’s an enormous mistake to come to Him looking for salvation thinking He will save you because you have somehow proven yourself worthy of it, or because you are a “good person.”

In Matthew 22:1-14, Jesus tells a story about a man who invited a select group of people to his son’s wedding feast. But, to put it in modern terms, they ghosted him. He still wanted a nice crowd there, so he sent out invitations to anyone and everyone. Yet someone showed up without wearing the appropriate clothing. In those days, the host provided wedding clothing. The idea was everyone would be properly dressed for the wedding, and it would be no burden on the guests. But this person showed up with his street clothes on … in other words, he refused the provided garments because he thought his own were adequate. The result? He was thrown out. And not only thrown out, but tied up and thrown out. This is what it’s like when we bring our own works and actions to Christ. It’s not only inadequate, it shows a profound lack of respect. Christ provides all we need and nothing we bring to God of our own is of any value to Him. We insult Him to imply our own offerings measure up.

So why should you believe He will save you if you can’t do anything about it? Simply enough, He wants to. As I mentioned, 2 Peter 3:9 tells us He is, “… not willing that any should perish …” The implication is that if anyone does in fact perish, it’s because they either rejected His gift of propitiation outright, or they tried to help out with works of their own. And though salvation itself is very easy (come to Christ, and He will save you), this is the part that is not … setting aside everything else you think is worthy. Because, in the end, it is not. In Mark 10:17-27, Jesus tells another story about a rich man who came to Him asking how he could be saved. When Jesus told him he had to give up everything he owned, the man walked away. He wanted to earn his own salvation and Jesus refused him that option. The moral of that story isn’t that everyone has to give up everything, it’s that everyone has to give up thinking that what they have or what they can do has any value to God.

I’ve covered the things a person has to know and accept, but there is one more thing that’s needed: you have to want to be saved. And that means you need to repent and turn to Christ. The word in the Bible translated “repent” means to turn away from sin. Literally, the most common word translated as “repent” in the Old Testament (the Jewish Bible) means to “turn in the opposite direction.” In the New Testament, the most common word means “to change your mind,” with the implication that it is a profound change, like deciding on a new career, not just deciding on a different color of socks. Less common words translated as “repent” imply regret, shame and sorrow. That’s mostly how we think of the word today, that we feel bad about something. But true repentance comes down to this: you don’t like how you are and know you will be condemned for it, and you want to be different and reconciled to God. This applies to both types of sin, the brokenness and the deeds that rise from the brokenness.

If you recognize you are in need of Christ’s salvation, you can’t just say, “OK God, just save me and I’ll keep going on like I always have.” That’s not why He provides salvation. The entire point is to find forgiveness from God and get you out of the vicious cycle of sin and brokenness. But you are never going to escape that cycle of you don’t in fact want to be free of it. For some, that’s a simple step to make because they have seen that their broken nature and misguided decisions have caused them all manner of pain and misfortune. They have no issue repenting because they desperately want that change. Others have a pretty good life. They have done well for themselves, they have no major regrets. The rich man of Mark 10 was like that. He wanted heaven, but he had no conviction that anything in his life required him to change. He walked away condemned because he never acknowledged that as good as his life was, it wasn’t good enough, so he could not find it in himself to repent enough to give up his wealth. Perhaps if he honestly thought his life and eternity dependened on it, he would have acted differently. Or perhaps he just couldn’t give up earthly prosperity for a heavenly future he wasn’t convinced was worth the price. He was not willing to repent; he was not willing to change.

So repent and come to Him. Acknowledge what Christ did for you and depend on Him alone for the result. Like the thief on the cross, you only need ask, knowing what Christ did was needed and adequate, and that He wants to save you. That part of believing is easy; getting yourself to do it may not be.

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Advent

Posted on December 25, 2024 by DHawthorne

It’s been a rough year for us, and I don’t expect to climb out of our difficulties any time soon, nor quickly. But my Hope, my Peace, my Joy, and my Love are all in Christ, and I really must depend on Him utterly in these times of trials. The thing though, is that it was always true, trials or not. It’s just that the trials bring it front-and-center and demand a response of faith.


Advent
Christmas 2024

The artificial glow too dim to banish murky gloom.
The darkness of a cloudy night falls thick on lamplit streets;
But still at times the sky lets through a silver moonlight gleam;
A ray of light for troubled souls on which their Hope may bloom.

As quiet as the night may seem, when fears in corners lurk,
The daily care of living builds a strain with no surcease.
While blinking colored lights may bring a smile or fleeting cheer,
The trappings of the season never grant a lasting Peace.

When children play in open fields, their laughter rings like bells,
Their glee unflagging whether snow or flowers at their feet.
But age and toil erode the smiles and mem’ries start to fade fade;
And Joy that once seemed boundless ne’er again feels quite complete.

A mother knows both fear and bliss, and countless in-betweens,
A father feels both ire and pride for youth both small and grown;
A parent gives all that they can, whatever ways they’re able,
And earthly gifts, imperfect, truly shine where Love is known.

The Hope that grows in darkest night from heaven came to earth,
The Peace past understanding in a helpless Baby lay;
The Joy unbounded, unrestrained, unfading came to all …
The Love that brings us all these things was born on Christmas Day.

Our Christ, Who brought us all these things was born on Christmas Day.

Copyright 2024, David B Hawthorne. All rights reserved.
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Fear Not

Posted on December 20, 2020 by DHawthorne

There is a prevailing attitude among Christians in general, and especially among Evangelicals, that faith and hope in Christ mean that somehow, someway, God is going to take negative circumstances and turn them around. Health problems will be resolved, favorable political outcomes will prevail, and financial struggles resolved. The world in general scoffs at these views: they believe that personal efforts and strength are what determine the outcomes of circumstance; some even believe simply thinking positively will do the job. But an objective look at history, and what the Bible teaches, will tell you that neither party is completely right about this, and neither is completely wrong.

The truth is that good and faithful Christians suffer from health problems, and sometimes they die from them. Evil, or simply self-interested, politicians gain office, to the detriment of the Christian community. Christians lose their jobs and their homes. In other words, bad things still happen to devout and obedient Christians. The flip side, the humanistic view, is equally distorted by the denial of God’s presence. The Humanist cannot explain why a prayer is answered when there is no material reason for the outcome that took place. Circumstance might defy the law of averages, but there are circumstances that defy odds in such a way that there simply is no reasonable explanation … except that God intervened.

So I think the only possible way to be truly objective is to understand that God has a bigger view of the world than we are capable of perceiving. It’s human nature, Christian or unbeliever, to see the world in the terms that touch most closely on us as individuals. In a way, we can’t help it, except by a determined effort not to. After all, everything we know is filtered through our very selves. And our “self” likes to color things as if it were the only self in existence.

It’s Christmastime, so lets take a look at the Christmas story as an illustration. At the time of Christ’s birth, the Jews of that age were sorely oppressed by the Roman empire. Their local leaders cared only about their own positions and wealth. The Jews cried out to God, and looked for a Messiah who would save them and give them a place in the world again. God answered those cries and sent His Son to be that Messiah. Christ was that long-awaited Savior. But what happened? He was born, He grew up, and He gained influence. He drew crowds, He performed miracles. The Jews of that age who weren’t all still wrapped up in their self-interests thought, “This is it! Messiah has come, and He will make things right again!”

Then He was executed. The promised Kingdom did not come in the form anyone thought it would. He rose from the dead, and it was an astounding miracle, the greatest in the course of human history … but still, Rome continued to oppress Israel, and they sacked Jerusalem and burned down the Temple. This wasn’t even 50 years after the death and resurrection of Christ. All the promises must have tasted like ash to the devout Jews and burgeoning Christian community. They thought Messiah was going to conquer Rome. Jews who did not convert took this as proof Jesus was not the promised Messiah. But the Christians of the day, however belatedly, realized those particular promises were farther off than they thought. They joyfully accepted salvation from sin, but they were outright slaughtered, and scattered to the winds. In other words, their circumstances got even worse.

The patriarch Job knew the taste of ashes very well, both literally and figuratively. This is what he wrote in the book that bears his name:

Job 13:13-15 “Hold your peace with me, and let me speak, Then let come on me what may! (14) Why do I take my flesh in my teeth, And put my life in my hands? (15) Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him.”

The takeaway here is the first part of verse 15 – “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”

There is no false hope in that statement, there is no self-convincing that somehow, someway, God was going to turn his negative circumstances around. As it turns out, God did turn them around for Job, but not until after Job suffered greatly, yet still refused to turn away from his faith. But Job didn’t know that, and countless martyrs in the millennia to follow never saw such a thing. Yet, yet, they continued to trust their Maker … not for what He may or may not do, but for Who He is.

In this present age of Covid-19, and the possible loss of not only health, or even life itself, but the potential for loss income and prosperity, it’s very easy for anyone, Christian or not, to simply say, “It will all work out somehow.” For many, God willing, it will. They will recover from illness, they will recover from financial stress. But some won’t. Some will get very sick, and some will die. Some will lose everything. God simply has a bigger, wider view of our world than we do. But do we trust Him, regardless? The Bible teaches of a God who loves His creation, and will do whatever it takes to bring them to an eternity in His presence. But that doesn’t mean, and it never has, that the journey would be easy. It doesn’t mean they won’t suffer in the process. But it does mean, in the long view of eternity, that He will bring His people home, and they should never fear of being abandoned or forsaken, no matter what it might look like in the here and now.

Fear Not
Christmas 2020

Upon a dark and wintry night,
When shadows leap in flick’ring light,
A child might quake with every sound …
And all imagined fears abound …
‘Till Mother’s gentle words alight,
And simply say, “fear not.”

In every age, when angels speak,
The hearts that hear them oft grow weak –
From agéd priest to future bride …
From troubled calm, to terrified …
And still, a quiet place to seek,
The angels say, “fear not.”

And though we live in troubled days,
When sharp concern upon us weighs,
The God Who came to earth a Child
Upon our broken state has smiled;
His faithful love our care allays,
And He has said,
“Fear not.”


Copyright © 2020 David B. Hawthorne

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Winter’s Shadows

Posted on December 21, 2019 by DHawthorne
Christmas 2019

As winter’s shadows deepen, and the nights grow cold and long,
We pierce the dark with festive lights and cheer our hearts with joyful song;
Our souls are warmed with laughter, and the love of friends and kin,
And with the blessings in our homes, we ease the cares that dwell within.

But winter’s shadows, even so, make claim upon the brightest times,
And frigid air can breach the seals of rooms that hold the warmest climes;
We strive to raise a bulwark for the treasures of our hearts,
But dark does not respect our walls, and mocks the efforts of our arts.

Yet winter’s shadows cannot match the deathly dark of sin,
And human effort sheds no warmth upon the aching cold within …
So Christ was born in Bethlehem, the Lord of love and light,
To cast away our shadows and destroy our hopeless night.

Copyright © 2019 David B. Hawthorne

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Cancer

Posted on February 12, 2019 by DHawthorne

It was supposed to be a follow-up on a precautionary biopsy, and I wasn’t particularly concerned about the results. Prostate cancer runs in my family, which was the only reason they even did the biopsy at all, but no one who had it, had to treat it. I thought, worst case, I would be the same, and best case they would say it’s just benign enlargement. So when the first words out of my urologist’s mouth were, “I’m so sorry,” it was a gut punch. When he followed up with telling me not only did I have cancer, but it was moderately aggressive and I had no option but to treat it, that marked the beginning of a whole new life for me, and not one that I wanted.

Everyone knows cancer is a terrible disease, and everyone knows some of treatments can be horrific in and of themselves. Everyone is sympathetic. But unless you’ve had the diagnosis yourself, you have no idea what an emotional impact it’s going to have on you. I’m sure any serious disease has the same effect, but you start thinking of your life as in two segments: before the diagnosis, and after. Before the diagnosis you were a different person, one you can never get back. Let me tell you, it’s staggering. Prostate cancer is very treatable, and only rarely fatal, and at no point have I been concerned for my life, but that changes little. There is always this measure of uncertainty. I think if I was told, “you have a year to live, arrange your affairs,” it might be easier to deal with. Of course, I didn’t get that kind of news, so I don’t really know, but that’s the realm my emotions have been exploring. There is also the factor of slowness in prostate cancer, which lends a whole other level of uncertainty. My father never treated his, and neither did my oldest brother. They both died of other causes before the cancer was even a factor. But mine was more aggressive. My PSA almost doubled in a year; I went from no cancer to a Gleason 7 in a year. For prostate cancer, that’s quick. Still, if I was the type of person who said I would do nothing, I still probably had a few years before it would catch up to me. But the thing is, you don’t really know. It’s like Death is around the corner, leering at you, and you never know if it’s just going to hang there and threaten, or if it’s going to pounce. My wife’s grandfather had prostate cancer, had it treated and was thought to be fine, but it came back a year or two later, and killed him. So, the bottom line is, nothing is certain. Your doctors will promise nothing, only advise you of possibilities.

Which leads to another observation: you are pretty much on your own deciding what to do. I was given options by my urologist, and he told me to think about it for a week maybe, then tell him how I wanted to proceed. That was right before Christmas (which made for an unusual holiday). Almost everyone in the medical field, including my urologist, told me the best choice in my circumstance was to have a prostatecomy. But friends and acquaintances, that was another story. I knew one guy who had one and said it was the best decision he ever made in his life. I had another, who I never even told directly, call me up out of the blue an admonish me not to do it – I’d be wearing a diaper the rest of my life, and would never be able to “get it up” again. Another quietly (so quietly, it was obvious he knew more than he was saying) told me it wasn’t going to be any fun, but I’d be glad I did it in the end. Another as much as said, “why remove part of your body if there are other options?” It goes on and on, and my head was spinning after a while. So I had to calmly measure the options myself, and decide myself. I decided to have the offending gland removed.

I didn’t waste any time, I wanted to get it over with … and besides, I was getting mortally tired of needing to urinate every hour on the hour. The surgery was scheduled, and I informed my employer I’d be out for a few weeks. The day approached, and I got a call from the surgery coordinator that it would have to be postponed a few days; the assistant’s wife had a baby, and he would be out on paternity leave. This did not please me, I really wanted it over and done. It wasn’t much of a delay, just two days, but I was very upset. Then I got sick, and was terrified they would postpone it again. But the second date came up, and I was well enough in the surgeon’s opinion, so the procedure went as scheduled.

The official name for my procedure is a robotic-assisted radical prostatectomy. It’s laparoscopic in that they use a camera and small incisions, but the robot part makes it non-traditional. I’ve read it’s considered more precise, but not everyone agrees because there is still a person at the controls, and at least one article I read say that surgical centers like to say that just so they can defray the cost. None of that mattered very much to me. I liked the idea that my recovery would be smoother and easier, and that there wouldn’t be as much damage going in. So they slid me onto the operating table, which had a rather ominous seeming gel pad with a strap where they rested my head. Then the anesthesiologist did her thing, and I was out. I was told afterwards that the procedure involved pumping my abdomen full of CO2 to separate all the mushy guts and give the surgeon a clearer view and make it easier for him to leave the healthy mushy parts alone. I was strapped to the table and turned upside down at a 45 degree angle. Somewhere along the line, they inserted a catheter, and the surgeon got behind the console and cut the prostate away. I was told afterwards it went as perfectly as it could have gone. They didn’t have to mess with any of the nerves that control continence or erectile functions, and there is a good chance when my recovery is finished, I’ll be as normal and healthy as a person with no prostate can be. All great news.

But of course, there had to be a hiccup. I was advised that most likely I’d be able to go home the day after the procedure. But as soon as they wheeled me into my room, I had a problem. My roommate was a loud guy. His TV was loud, his phone was loud, and when the lights went out, he snored like a train wreck. I weaved in and out of consciousness, but I didn’t rest, and if I slept an hour total, it was a lot. I didn’t have the presence of mind to call a nurse, though they told me after I could have and they would have done something. But at the time I was too loopy, and I was thinking he was in recovery too, I wasn’t about to give him a hard time. They gave me something deep in the night which magically made every tiny bit of pain and discomfort go away – and I mean completely. It hit me like being kicked by a horse though, I had vertigo if I just turned my head. My single hour of sleep probably came right about then.

In the morning I was so nauseous I could barely move. I had no desire to eat – which was twofold actually: the swill they called food was so vile I couldn’t choke it down if I wanted to, and, I didn’t want to. I had Jello. Lunch was the same: two bites out of a sandwich and some Jello. Dinner was the same. When the doctor came by, he said I couldn’t go home in that state, not until I at least had my appetite back. I was not upset by this. That night was when the real horror began. I have a delicate stomach, I always have, since childhood. It gets upset, and I get gassy at the drop of a hat, especially if I’m hungry. So I fasted for nearly 20 hours, then couldn’t eat after. They also had pumped me up like a balloon to do the procedure, and there was residual gas in my abdominal cavity. I hadn’t slept more than 5 hours total in a 36 hour period, and was having minor convulsions from sheer fatigue. I settled in for the night, and woke up an hour later screaming.

I did not have the presence of mind to call a nurse. I didn’t know where I was, I was exhausted, and I was in so much pain I couldn’t think. Apparently, I was loud enough the nurse came running anyway, two of them in fact. I was somehow able to tell them it was my gut, which roughly felt like I had swallowed a bowling ball. They sat me up straight, jacked up my legs as much as they could, and I started belching copiously. Gas came out of both ends, not to put too fine a point on it, and satisfied, the nurse said, “that’s good, it’s coming out,” and she left to her regular duties. I don’t know how long I sat like that, the gas coming out in volume, but it was no big relief because it just kept coming, and coming, and coming. But even sitting straight up, I was so exhausted, I couldn’t stay conscious and passed out. About an hour again, and I woke, my first thought being, “what a horrible nightmare.” But I soon realized, it was no nightmare; I started belching and passing gas again. I woke into the nightmare, not out of it. This time I called the nurse, I asked her what was going on, and could she do anything to settle my stomach. She said, “let me see,” and walked away. In retrospect I realized there was no way she could do a thing without a doctor’s order, and it was 2 AM, that wan’t going to happen, but I took her at her word. I passed out again, and roughly an hour later awoke again in the same state. I hit the call button again, and this time the nurse didn’t appear, one of the aids did. I asked if anything was going to happen, and he just said, “if it’s gas, there’s nothing to do except walk it off.” He left, and I just cried.

This is another one of those things that’s impossible to understand if you haven’t been through something like it. I felt such an overwhelming horror of despair, I wished I had just decided to die of cancer. But it was too late, it was done. I let them chop me up, I let them drastically change my body, and there was no way to take it back. I was going through this no matter what. I cried a lot. It’s good my roommate had gone home and I had the room to myself. I texted my wife, and I texted my family, even knowing they would all be in bed and no one would see it until morning. I was so desperately lonely. I was in so much pain, I was feeling so hopeless. I passed out a third time, and that time I stayed out until morning. But with the emotional horror plus the pain, I can say with no equivocation, that was the absolute worst night of my life. I don’t know how anyone who is alone gets through such things. Just the thought that I had people who loved me was the only thing that kept me going at all.

That was Friday night. Saturday was nominally better, but not all that much. My appetite remained in abeyance. When the doctor swung by, he ordered some lab work and said he was holding me another night. I didn’t eat much lunch, but to my immense excitement, was able to get down 3/4 of a turkey wrap for dinner. It’s wasn’t bad either. I had turned a corner. My wife was with me all day, and some friends came by and helped me pass the time in the afternoon. My brother hung out with me in the evening. I went for little walks down the hall: little old lady steps, clinging to a wheeled IV rack. The doctor ordered something for the gas – it didn’t quite go away, but it wasn’t so excruciating. I slept. I didn’t sleep all night, but I slept. When breakfast came on Sunday morning, I ate the whole thing. My doctor came by, pulled some nasty thing out of my side that was collecting fluids, and started the discharge procedure.

As I write, I’ve been home for two days. I’m sleeping in a recliner with what I call a diaper pad and an old sheet on it; bed doesn’t seem much of an option wearing a catheter, and I don’t want to ruin my sheets or my mattress if it leaks (which, by the way, it does … not much, just a bit of a dribble from where it goes in, but enough that I don’t want to chance it). Gas has taken second place in my woes to constipation, but that’s easing up too. The catheter is not comfortable, nor is it any fun, but it’s tolerable, and most of the time, I can tune it out. I’m not on any heavy drugs, just Tylenol and Gasex. Every day, the sutures hurt less, and I can walk more, and more steadily. I have to sit on a horseshoe pillow to avoid putting weight on the surgical site, but I can sit without reclining (it’s amazing how fast that gets old). I still have a cough from the pre-surgical illness which was agony just a few days ago, but only just hurts a bit now. But most important, the despair is gone. On some level, I always knew it would, and fatigue, pain, and drugs had a strong voice in that, but it was still there, and it was horrific. Not so now.

And here’s what I have learned:

  • Support from family and friends is incalculable. I cannot in any way shape, or form understate how important my wife has been to me this past week and how utterly lost I would be without her. My brothers and sister as well, and a large number of awesome friends.
  • Things rarely turn out to be what you expect, and you have to be able to adjust. I anticipated soreness, discomfort from the catheter, a few bad nights, but I absolutely had no idea of the excruciating gas pain, the twitching exhaustion, and the bottomless hopeless despair of a single, utterly bad night.
  • And, for that matter, for good or ill, everyone’s different. Someone else in my place might have breezed through this. Another might have even worse of a time. You can’t know. But this much is a certainty, you get through it, or you die, there are no other options in the end.
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Morning Star

Posted on December 25, 2018 by DHawthorne

The blanket of the evening’s dark falls silently upon the ground,
As branches reach against the sky, a frame before the starry night –
The brightness of the streets has fled, the sidewalks now by lamplight crowned;
With daylight’s vision pared to glowing circles of the lesser light.

In Bethlehem the lesser lights once paled before the Morning Star,
Who spilled His Light and spilled His blood upon the Dark of mortal hearts.
No feeble glow, His morning fell on dim-lit landscapes near and far,
Immortal balm to cure the ills untouched by any human arts.

Though silently the Gift is giv’n, the Light of Heaven blazes bright,
The Morning Star gives Life and Joy; eternal triumph o’er the Night.

Copyright © 2018 David B. Hawthorne

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The Road To Bethlehem

Posted on December 23, 2017 by DHawthorne

The weary road stretched on beneath their feet,
From day to dusty day along the haggard way,
Their goal a tiny village where their folk must meet
By edict to be counted, then to pay.

But joy would come, a Baby in the hay –
Declared by heav’nly hosts and portents mighty, strong;
A cloud of darkness lifted on a glorious day,
A holy birth proclaimed by angel song.

Like them with guarded step we walk along
From day to hopeful day on life’s uncertain course,
With confidence that in His love we still belong
As holy Promise strips away remorse.

For Christ was born to banish darkest night
And end each journey with His blessed Light.

Copyright © 2017 David B. Hawthorne

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In Dark of Night

Posted on December 24, 2016 by DHawthorne

In dark of night the shepherds watched, their quiet flocks before them spread;
A simple life, a simple task, no lofty prospects yet ahead …
But angel voice and angel choir broke full upon their quiet eve,
With more of joy and triumph than their hearts could once conceive.

In gray of day we spend our lives, our busy tasks before us cast;
Our aspirations fill our hearts, and dreams of better lives at last …
But oh, so often, hopes fall flat, a crumbling tower built on sand,
And leave us with the stark remains of things we once felt well in hand.

In light of life the Savior came to shatter sin and open doors
The shout of glory in His work an angel choir underscores;
The infant in a manger stall, though wondrous in His time and place,
Was but a prelude to the song of joyful and eternal grace.

Copyright © 2016 David B. Hawthorne
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Ashes Fell Like Snow

Posted on September 11, 2016 by DHawthorne
I was at work on September 11, 2001, when the call came. I had an appointment in Jersey City that morning, but I hadn’t left for it yet. Our installation manager took the call, and half a minute into it, he turned towards me and said, “A plane just crashed into the Trade Center.” I was stunned, and just stared at him while he walked over to the table radio in the office space we shared. He turned it on, and we were listening to events unfold when the news came that another plane hit the other tower. I remember both of us just standing there, and I looked at him and said, “Two?! That can’t have been an accident.”

Of course, it was not. Everyone in the office stopped what they were doing at that point, and we all stared at the radio. I don’t remember cancelling my appointment, but I must have, because I never went that day. A vendor representative called a bit later, saying he wasn’t going to make it to the appointment he had with us, because he was trapped on the Turnpike spur leading to NYC, and the traffic simply wasn’t moving. Too many people were trying to get out, all at once. We had an installation crew at a job site, and they called in, asking what they should do – the client’s husband worked in the Trade Center, and she hadn’t heard from him. She was beside herself. The installation manager told them to pack up and come back. As far as I know, we never finished that job; the husband died that day. We listened to the news for what seemed like hours, but probably wasn’t. We closed early. It was obvious no one was going to get any work done.

It was a crystal clear day, and warm. Pretty near perfect weather for September in New Jersey. All the way home, I kept looking in my rear view mirror, and I could see the single plume of smoke rising in the northeast. When I got out of my car, I looked northward again, to see if it was still visible from my parking lot. I live near the Raritan Bay in NJ, and though I’m not more than a mile or two from the bay itself, all the width of the bay and a good 2/3rds of Staten Island are between my home and the Trade Center. I could still see the smoke, though it seemed more like a cloud from that distance. But I noticed something else as well: it looked like it was snowing. It was eighty degrees out, so I knew it couldn’t be snow, but I could also smell the burning. Twenty-two miles, as the crow flies, and I could smell the towers burning, and could see the ashes falling in my parking lot. The wind wasn’t even blowing in my direction.

One ash floated softly in front of my face. It was roughly rectangular, and riddled with holes, like a bit of lace. It was a tiny thing, and I wept as I realized it was all that was left of someone’s life. It was all that was left of someone else’s livelihood. It was all that was left of a lot of our illusions of safety and strength … just ashes, falling like snow.

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Dealing With Deceit

Posted on March 20, 2016 by DHawthorne
There are no two ways around it: at some point in your life, you have been deceived, and you will be deceived again. There is something, right now, that you hold in your heart as true, and it is not. Lies and deceit are a part of the human condition that cannot be avoided; they grow like weeds, and they spread like disease.

There are two broad categories of deception, as I see it: deliberate and mistaken. There is some overlap, inasmuch as one may engender the other, but the heart of how I define them is that deliberate deception is when a person means to deceive, and mistaken deception is when the deceiver believes they are telling the truth but are in error. Once the deceit is passed along, a deliberate deceit can become a mistaken deceit when the person who hears it believes it, and repeats it as true. But there have always been those who know better and pass it along anyway, so that it remains, in that case, deliberate. You could, I suppose, break it down further to malicious deceit, where the purpose is to obscure the truth to promote an agenda of the teller, and well-meaning deceit, where the purpose is to shield the hearer from an unpleasant truth “for their own good.” I have some quibbles with that distinction. I don’t think deliberate deceit is ever a good thing, and this includes “little white lies.” If you can’t tell someone the truth without hurting them, don’t tell them anything until they are ready for the truth. Furthermore, that kind of attitude is a slippery slope into a bottomless pit – where does it stop? It doesn’t take very long for a single lie to become a plethora of them, and then they get repeated, and soon no one knows what’s true and what isn’t on that subject. Just try researching something controversial on the Internet if you don’t know what I mean by that.

Let enough deceit proliferate, and it can dominate a culture, and I doubt there has been a culture in the history of humanity where this has not eventually happened. Once a culture is dominated by deceit, the foundations of trust become rotten. When trust is gone, because those foundations have crumbled, so is the basis for authority. Brutal repression is the result of authority without trust, and eventually cultures of repression collapse in revolt, or when the center can no longer hold against outside forces because too much of its resources are spent in the repression. And the sad result, as any student of history can tell you, is that the new culture that arises from the ashes of the last learns nothing, and does the same.

But what is it about human nature that makes deceit so easily take root? I personally believe there are spiritual reasons at the heart of the matter, but even utterly secular psychologists recognize that there are some very concrete and definable limitations to how the human mind works that make it possible. Even a cursory web search of the term “cognitive bias” will provide you with lots of fascinating reading on the topic. Many of the recognized biases provide a genuine advantage in circumstances when those around you are trustworthy. It’s the deepest irony that they also become a horrible liability when those around you are not.

One strong example of this is known as the “bandwagon effect.” Have you ever sat in a group of sports fans and found yourself cheering for a team you normally didn’t care about? Perhaps a die-hard fan would never do such a thing, but I am not a sports fan of any sort. I enjoy watching a good game now and them, but I don’t have any teams of my own. Yet if I’m at a Superbowl party, I’ll root for whoever my host and other friends are rooting for. This is a large part of what gives politicians “momentum,” and can become a driving force behind rallies and protests. It is a defense against error, in that if an outsider tries to foist a deception on you, those around you will reject it and protect you from that error. But what if your group is in fact the party in error? It’s easy to see how you may tend to accept the falsehood because those around you do.

Another is an effect called “confirmation bias.” The effect is described as a tendency to be more accepting of opinions, statements, and expressions that support something you already agree with. You only have to spend two minutes on Facebook to see that one in action. This is what drives conspiracy theories and resistance movements. If your ideas are accurate in the first place, this is a good defense against error. But if you are already mistaken or deceived, it traps you in that deceit, and you will never rise out of it until you see what you have done to yourself.

I’m not sure if there is a name for it, but there is a related effect where people have a tendency to agree with, or support a person who expresses one concept they already accept as true. It doesn’t matter if everything else they say, or even if only some of what they say, is wrong or mistaken. They accept it all. Evangelical Christians seem to be particularly vulnerable to this: if a politician says he is a born-again Christian, they favor him (or her); if a teacher espouses a doctrine they agree with, they look favorably on everything else he says as well. It can be a vicious trap if the person they support is out to deceive, or is mistaken themselves. I fell into this trap myself many years ago when I heard a politician give a very good testimony of his Christian beliefs. I voted for him, and he turned out to be one of the worst to hold that office in my memory. That person was more than likely honest in the testimony he gave, but I accepted other things about him on that basis that just weren’t right. And today, I think many candidates just find out what they think Christians want to hear and repeat it so they can get their votes. That’s a deliberate deception.

There is a host of other biases, and commonly accepted logical fallacies (another great term to look up) that add to the problem, but you could write a book on those alone, which is why I only offer examples of a few of them. But if no one ever thought to deceive, most of them would not be problems at all.

So then what leads people to deliberately deceive? I think it’s simple enough. It gives them an advantage they do not think they would have if they were being honest. Perhaps they will gain power or wealth (though I tend to believe wealth is simply another type of power); perhaps it will get them out of trouble, or help them to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Invariably, it arises from weakness. A strong person, in a position of advantage, does not have to lie or deceive to gain anything. Someone who is comfortable with themselves does not mind if another doesn’t like their opinion, and doesn’t have to lie about it. In other words, the deceiver doesn’t feel like they have the ability to win in a fair fight, so they must cheat. Someone who feels like they don’t need an unfair advantage are perfectly fine with the truth. In today’s social media / Internet climate, a driving force is advertisement revenue. Far too many people latch on to things they see online that are misrepresented, out of context, spun out of proportion, or outright falsified. They click on links, and the parent web site gets additional traffic that they can show to advertisers and get better placement and money for ads. Because a lot of this happens behind the scenes, people simply aren’t aware of it &emdash; they think it’s just an exchange of new, information, or opinion. But it’s nothing of the sort. It’s deliberate deception to gain a financial advantage they wouldn’t have if they were truthful.

Which leads to the inevitable question: if we are so surrounded by unscrupulous and dishonest people, how can we keep from being deceived?

First off, you have to learn to recognize your own weaknesses and be aware of them. Look up “cognitive biases,” and “logical fallacies.” Determine which ones you are vulnerable to, and rethink your opinions. This is an extraordinarily difficult thing to do, simple enough as it sounds. It can be a lifelong process of self-revelation. But you need to start somewhere, and if you have determined in advance that you can’t be mistaken about something, you have already lost. This is a particularly hard thing for people of faith to do, because they feel that challenging one thing they have already accepted is tantamount to challenging the very basis of everything the have ever believed in. That, in itself, is a logical fallacy. You can be wrong about one thing in a particular sphere of knowledge, and right about others. For those who may struggle with that, I offer this insight: true faith has nothing to do with what you believe or how you feel, and everything to do with the object of your faith. You do yourself no favors if your faith is misplaced; and if what you believe is really true, then examining it more closely won’t hurt anything, and can only strengthen it. But you owe it to yourself to be sure that the object of your faith is, in fact, worthy of the trust you have placed in it. Else, you have just become another victim of deceit.

In today’s world of misinformation, there are some other skills that are needed. One very important one touches upon what I have said before: never accept that everything you think you know is fully and completely correct. You invite deception when you do that, and make yourself more vulnerable to it. It is not an expression of strength to steadfastly deny the possibility that you could be wrong. It is a weakness. A strong person can question and affirm themselves. A weak person can’t even consider they might be wrong. Going back to what I just said about faith, consider the fact that you can only confirm your knowledge as you discover more truth … and if what you uncover denies what you have previously accepted as true, you have done yourself a great service by eliminating a matter of self-deception. A corollary of this premise is that even if the object of your confidence is 100% reliable, it doesn’t mean your understanding of it is 100% correct. A good scientist understands this, because they constantly revise theories based on new observations and understandings (and let’s leave off the discussion about bad science for another day, it certainly exists). But people have a rough time doing the same with personal beliefs. I want to pull my hair out every time a Christian says, “the Bible says such-and-such, and I believe it, and that’s enough for me.” There is even a popular Christian song based on that drivel. Just because the Bible is true, it doesn’t mean your understanding of what the Bible says is correct. You have to be willing to look harder and deeper all the time, or you are going to lock yourself into falsehood by your inability to question yourself. I cannot emphasize enough, however, that once again, this is a lifelong process. I call it growth; and if you stop growing, you are already dead.

Another vital skill is the ability to question what you hear. It is remarkable how few people actually do. They trust the news, they trust their peer groups, they trust what’s published online or in print, and not once do they stop to consider that the source, or the source’s source, may not be trustworthy. Or, they fail to recognize their understanding of what the heard or read is mistaken. This is epidemic online. I regularly see an outrageous statement online, and when I look into it, find everyone is quoting the same source, and the source had an obvious bias or agenda. I have seen people repeat things as fact that, when researched, I find the original statement was satirical. I have researched things repeated as fact and discovered the source completely made it up … yet it was repeated because the hearer had some measure of sympathy with the statement. They wanted to believe it, then spread it around as worthy of confidence when it never was. I have researched things repeated as fact that were based on statements pulled completely out of context, so that even though the literal quotation was accurate, the intent of the original source was not even remotely what the person repeating it said it was. Again, we have a mix of deliberate and mistaken deceit, but deceit is the end result either way. Questioning what you hear is frequently an exercise in finding out whether anyone else says the same thing, and whether any or all of them can be considered trustworthy. Sometimes, you simply cannot be sure, and you have to file it away as “undetermined.” Which leads to another thought: it’s OK to accept something provisionally, as long as you are open to re-visit it when you have better information. But it’s also OK to reject it provisionally, or just be neutral about it provisionally. We can’t all know everything (which goes back to my first point). If it matters to you at all though, you absolutely must be willing to look into it, not just jump on the bandwagon.

You also need to be able to disassociate your emotional reaction to something from your acceptance of it. Emotions are a shortcut our minds use to help us filter data, but almost all the cognitive biases and logical fallacies that exist hinge on an emotional response. If your emotions are trained wrongly, they are going to react wrongly. In short, not being deceived requires that you not be lazy about what you believe. Just because you always accepted something, and your peers and teachers taught it to you a certain way, it doesn’t mean they got it right and it doesn’t mean you have it right. It is normal and natural to reject a concept that opposes what you already have accepted. But if you do not want to be deceived, you must set aside this emotional response and do your best to verify your beliefs. I started this article saying that everyone holds something in their hearts as true that really is not — and I do mean everyone. Myself, those who have taught me over the years, experts who have made public statements, people who trusted by many … everyone. The question is, are you willing to challenge those things, look at them squarely, and find, to the best of your ability, the truth of the matter? Are you willing to accept you might never get the whole truth, and that’s OK? Are you willing to challenge your own beliefs? If you are not, you have already lost. If anything at all you hold as true is a deception, everything else you base on that belief will be untrue as well.

The bottom line on dealing with deceit is that you can never let yourself become complacent, and you must be willing to keep growing in knowledge and wisdom for as long as you draw breath. Frankly speaking, it’s a bit frightening … some may even find it terrifying. But sticking your head in the sand and denying it is no help either. It is a sad fact that some would rather be deceived than entertain the thought they have to work out the truth themselves. Their fears and insecurities bring them to that place, and they simply do not have the courage to do anything but hide within their house of cards and hope the wind never blows it down. But any sense of security they might feel in that is a false security. And that thought leads to an inevitable conclusion: what if the truth you find is something horrible? This is where people of faith have a huge advantage: they already have some measure of confidence in something bigger than themselves to help. But remember what I wrote earlier: truth faith does not depend on what you feel or believe, it depends on the trustworthiness of what you believe in. A true, real faith has reasons behind it that are more than feelings or self-deceit. It is true that it is easy for people of faith to be deceived in their faith, but it’s also true that if their faith is not misplaced, they can work out the truth and not be deceived by other things. But anyone, whether a person of faith or not, must be looking to find the truth, and not just to appease their own fears, biases, or desires. And everyone needs to ask themselves if that is what they are doing, because if you are unwilling to seek truth and set aside your preconceptions to find it, you are doomed to be deceived and to suffer for it.

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